


Winter

by jensenacklesruinedmylife



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Episode: s08e22 Clip Show, Fluff and Angst, I need you, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 07:58:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/884870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jensenacklesruinedmylife/pseuds/jensenacklesruinedmylife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a tumblr post by CASINTHECHEVY:</p><p>"ok but could you imagine dean and castiel just fighting</p><p>just finally fucking fighting and yelling at each other but finally talking to each other</p><p>and castiel is about to give up and just leave but dean just kind of pushes cas against the wall and kisses him hard cause this damn angel means so much to him and he doesn’t want castiel to leave him again"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Winter

**Author's Note:**

> This is a songfic, I guess, and the song is Winter by Daughter. I recommend listening to it while you read, on repeat, and then buying the whole album because Daughter is amazing. <3

The inevitable confrontation started at the table. Dean had just shoo’d Sam to bed, reminding him that he was going to need all the strength he could muster for this last trial. Now, he was sitting at the table, flipping through notes upon notes, trying to figure out how the hell they were supposed to find another demon to cure. The stress was eating Dean alive; he was tired. Simply tired. Tired of the job, tired of seeing Sam in pain, tired of worrying about him, and Cas - he didn’t even want to think about the Cas. All it did was make him angrier.

So, of course, that’s when Cas walked in.

“Hello, Dean,” he said pleasantly, unsure of how the hunter would react to him today. It hurt Cas to know that Dean was too angry to even speak with him, and he had decided that enough was enough. He was sorry, he was so sorry, and he had to find a way to make Dean understand that.

“Dean?” he said again, moving to stand in front of the man across the table. “Dean, please,” he repeated, but Dean continued to ignore him. Cas wasn’t sure what heart break felt like, but he could have sworn he felt it then.

_Drifting apart like two sheets of ice, my love  
Frozen hearts growing colder with time_

“Dean!” Cas yelled, resolve slipping, and Dean finally looked up.

“What?” he said dryly.

“How… how long are you going to treat me like this, Dean?”

Dean let out a cold, empty laugh. “Treat you like what, Cas? Like you ran out on me? Like you don’t trust me?”

“Dean-.”

“No!” Dean interrupted, slamming a fist on the table before releasing a breath. “No,” he repeated, “you had a chance to explain yourself, but all you’ve said is that you’re sorry, as if that’s supposed to count for something.”

Cas frowned. What else was he supposed to say? That he should have given Dean the tablet? He was trying to protect him!

“But… I am sorry, Dean, I really-.”

“You know what?” Dean was suddenly out of his chair, avoiding Cas’s eyes. “I can’t do this right now. I’m not doing this.”

Dean walked away from the table and towards what Cas assumed was his bedroom. And then Cas thought, What if he never forgives me?, and he felt something in his chest constrict. He couldn’t accept that.

He wouldn’t.

_There’s no heat from our mouths  
Please take me back to my rich youth_

With a flap of his wings, Cas appeared in Dean’s room. Dean, who had been standing by his desk, must have jumped a foot in the air.

“Dammit, Cas, what did I tell you about that!”

“I’m not going to let you ignore me, Dean.”

Dean laughed again. “Oh, yeah?”

“You’re treating me like I abandoned you on purpose.”

“Well you sure as hell didn’t do it by accident!” Dean retorted, beer bottle in hand.

Cas sighed. “I didn’t abandon you.”

“Oh, you didn’t?” Dean’s voice was louder now. He took a slow step toward Cas. “We were supposed to find the angel tablet, get Kevin to translate it, and keep it safe, together. But you -” Dean shook his head, taking another step forward- “you flew off to hell knows where, with the damn tablet no less, with not even an explanation, or a ‘see ya later,’ or nothin’! Now, that sure sounds like abandonment to me, and I would know.”

And Cas was at a loss for a second, because Dean was right, he would know, but Cas hadn’t had a choice. He refused to back down. He wouldn’t let Dean’s self-hatred win. Not this time.

“I did what I thought was best at the time, Dean, I…”

“What you thought was best? Wow-“

“I didn’t have a choice!” Cas bellowed, louder than he anticipated.

“You could have trusted me!” Dean shouted back, beer bottle in his hand already half empty.

“I was protecting you!”

“You were protecting yourself!” Dean spat, and Cas was certain his heart was in pieces now. Did Dean really think that low of him? Had he lost that much faith?

“What do you want me to say, Dean? That I ran away?” Cas asked, moving towards the hunter. “Well then, yes, I ran away, but I did it to keep you safe!”

“Yeah? From what?”

“From Naomi! If I had stayed, she could have found you, and-“

“And we could have fought her off,together! Like we always do. Dammit, Cas, you can’t just make decisions for me and bolt!”

“I needed to keep you safe, Dean!”

“And I needed you!” Dean shouted, throwing the bottle from his hand and to the floor. It shattered on impact.

_And we were in flames, I needed I needed you  
To run through my veins, like disease_

And Cas froze, because he remembered. He remembered the words that had cut through his mind, through the sharpness of Naomi’s orders. We need you.

I need you.

Dean closed his eyes and wiped a palm down his face.

“You didn’t even say goodbye.”

_And now we are strange, strangers_

And Cas understood. He knew why Dean was so angry. He had left Dean, open and vulnerable and hurt, without any explanation for his quick departure. He had heard all his prayers, of course, but couldn’t answer them. The risk was too great.

Maybe he should have taken the risk, anyway.

Cas hung his head. “I’m sorry, Dean,” he said again. He turned toward the door. If Dean did not want to forgive him, maybe he didn’t deserve to be forgiven.

But just as Cas reached for the doorknob, he felt Dean by his side, Dean’s hand stopping his own, yanking the angel to turn him around and slamming his back into the door.

“Dean-?” Cas started, confused, but then Dean’s lips were crushing his own. It wasn’t sweet or soft or slow - it was bruising and desperate, laced with alcohol and temporary madness.

Dean’s hands were gripping Cas’s trench coat at his sides, pulling Cas against him. Cas rested his hands on Dean’s shoulders for leverage, and pushed Dean far enough away to look at him.

His eyes were empty.

_It’s different now_  
 _Gray faced_  
 _Eyes burnt out_  
 _Flames are gone_

Cas bit his lip, trying to read the emotion on Dean’s face. “Dean, what are y-?”

“Just…I just….” Dean exhaled slowly, shaking his head and moving his hands to cradle Cas’s face. The action was so uncharacteristically intimate; Cas had no idea how to react. He hoped he wasn’t hallucinating.

_Gloves are on  
I have a feeling  
Love’s gone back_

Dean had closed his eyes, unable to look at Cas, and Cas grew more and more anxious.

“Dean?” he pleaded quietly.

When Dean opened his again, they were glazed over with fresh tears, and his hands were shaking.

“Dean, what is it?”

“Dammit.” Dean cursed, gripping the lapels of Cas’s coat. He hated feeling so vulnerable. He was never that vulnerable, not with anyone but Sam. But Cas… “Just promise me,” he begged, readjusted his grip, “you have to promise me something.”

“Anything, Dean,” Cas answered softly, as if speaking too loudly would make the moment disappear.

Dean took a shaky breath. “Promise me, you will never leave me like that again. You can’t ever, ever leave me like that.”

“I promise,” Cas replied, and Dean could tell he meant it. “Never.”

“I need you,” Dean whispered, lips too close to Cas’s own.

_Went to the cinema, losing our minds  
With common fever, shutting confined spaces  
Lost in the dark, my heart taken_

Cas sighed heavily, his lungs finding the ability to function once more.

“I need you, too.”

_Resting on your heart_


End file.
